Trump Secures the Toddler Vote
(*Note: I promise this will be the only political post you'll see on Bplusboston. Unless the country starts a legitimate debate about paid parental leave, then all bets are off).
If you've been on the internet lately, or are generally alive, you might be aware that we are in the middle of a presidential election. And while Donald Trump has had difficulty securing the Women's Vote, the Black Vote, the Hispanic Vote, the Muslim Vote, or the Rational-Thinking-Human Vote, it has recently been confirmed that the Trump Campaign has secured the ever important Toddler Vote.
Having polled numerous Toddlers about their political leanings, BplusBoston was able to confirm that the majority of Toddlers prefer Donald Trump to Hillary Clinton. While every Toddler is different, their preference for Trump can be tied to his following actions:
During the first Presidential Debate, Trump interrupted Hillary Clinton 51 times in the course of 90 minutes. When asked about this impressive feat, one Toddler we interviewed commented "that's pretty good, but to appeal to more Toddlers, he should have started each interruption with 'Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom. Although when he finally got his chance to speak, he did follow it up with total nonsense, so that's bound to appeal to a lot of Toddlers, since that's what WE always do."
Trump uses silly sounding words like "piggy", "dog", and "pussy" to describe women. When polled, the majority of Toddlers thought calling people by animal names was "hilarious" and "goofy". When describing Trump himself, many Toddlers chose the words "froggy" and "snake".
Trump's hair looks like cotton candy, a known favorite food of Toddlers.
When asked recently to apologize for his sexist remarks while on a hot mic, Trump channeled the Toddler vote perfectly and begrudgingly issued a non-apology of "I apologize if anyone was offended". While some of the voting blocks were upset by this non-apology, Toddler's around the country rejoiced that a variation of their favorite statement was being used by somebody on TV, who must be famous and important.
Toddlers also overwhelmingly support Trump's proposal to build a wall on the US-Mexican border. When asked why Toddler's supported this position, one Toddler explained "they're touching me".
Trump's statements advocating for water-boarding and torture generally surprisingly also resonated with Toddlers. Upon closer analysis, it was found that Toddlers strongly support the use of sleep-deprivation to torture their parents, therefore they tend to be sympathetic to most forms of torture.
Trump's refusal to release his tax returns throughout the election has appealed both to Toddlers who are stubborn, as well as Toddlers who refuse to share. As many parents are aware these segments cover nearly the entire Toddler population.
And finally, Trump's statements that breastfeeding is "disgusting" and his statement that he never changed any of his children's diapers, because that was the wife's job, secured any remaining Toddler votes. Because, if there's anything Toddlers hate more than Hillary Clinton, it's other babies.
Thankfully for our electorate, Toddlers are not of age to vote. Further, they lack the brain development that helps them understand other's feelings until they are about 4 years old, so they can be forgiven for their preference for Trump. As for the rest of the of-age Trump supporters...we assume they must really like cotton candy.