A slightly above-average achiever's guide to parenting
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Why I'm picking toddler-moms for my teammates in the Zombiepocalypse
March 30, 2016
Alright, so this is a really weird thing I do, and I blame it on the sheer number of "end of the world" movies and TV shows out there. But sometimes, when I'm daydreaming, I think about IF there was some kind of crazy end-of-the-world situation (aka a Zombiepocalpse), how would I mostly quickly get out of Boston, avoid the Zombies, or slow spreading virus, or godzilla, or whathaveyou, and survive the first wave of the end of the world. Yes, this is how I day dream. Because as a mom of a toddler, daydreaming about end of the world scenarios seems slightly more realistic than daydreaming about vacations on tropical islands, or even sleeping in.
In case you're wondering what my exist strategy is, depending on the type of destruction, I'm leaning toward either a motorcycle (pros- won't get stuck in traffic like cars, cons- really difficult to get our entire family on the motorcycle) OR a boat to the harbor islands (pros- obviously zombies can't swim, everyone knows that. cons- I don't know how to hotwire a boat). So there are a few flaws in my plan right now.
But, assuming I somehow survive the inital wave of destruction, and make it to the second phase of the movie...I mean life... where we have to ban together, create a new society, defend against either zombies or gangs, and find food and water... I've decided that hands down, I'm recruting as many toddler moms as I can to my post-apocalyptic clan as possible. And here's why:
Toddler Moms are used to chasing after their kids at a moment notice (no don't run into the street! put that down immediately!) while hauling EVERYTHING they need for survival in their diaper bag at the same time. Just the other day, Chewie bolted through Target and I took off running, entirely unphased that I had left anything valuable behind at the Starbucks table because I knew it was all strapped to my back. We are ready to run at a moment's notice.
Our diaper bags might as well be "bug out bags" (aka, the type of bag any survialist will tell you to have at the ready). They're full of food (goldfish and cheerios for days), medical supplies (diaper=bandage), cold weather gear, hot weather gear, sunblock, water bottles, and diaper cream (not sure of the use of that one, but in the Zombiepocalpse, nothing goes unused). It's a survivalist's dream.
Horrific violent injuries will seem like NOTHING to a toddler-mom who has seen the unholy trifecta of puke, pee, and vomit and gotten it all over herself.
A toddler-mom has already been conditioned to experience the highs and lows of any end-of-the-world scenario. After dealing with a manic 3 year old, these ladies just roll with pretty much anything life can throw at them.
Toddler-moms are natually ingenious and resourceful. Have you ever seen them try to keep a 3 year old entertained at the doctor's office? If she can make a fort and airplanes out of HIV pamphelts, I bet you she can figure out how to develop a water filtration system.
They can multi-task like you wouldn't believe. I've personally cooked, done laundry, entertained my 2 year old, while listening to music and Facetiming with grandparents. I'm pretty sure that would qualify me for multiple end-of-the-world tasks.
And the best reason to have a toddler-mom on your team for the Zombiepocalypse, is just that these ladies have already been in the trenches. Battle-tested and war torn, these are the women who I know will have my back, whether it's against a zombie, a roving gang, freak global warming storms, or my own toddler.